The good shoes are going to be gone

Now that I have effectively gotten rid of any woman who may have stumbled across this article, I can talk directly to the men in private. Men, it is that day again. The day when there is not a single baseball, basketball, football or hockey game (or the Home Run Derby) to be found. Of the 365 days in a standard calendar year, this is only one when God takes away everything that gives our lives meaning. Therefore, it is time to worry about the less important things in our life -- namely, the womens. With this being the third year that I have written this column, it is now The Real Man's Valentine's Day 3.0.

As always, this is our day to step up our game and make our women happy under the false pretense that there is something on TV we wish we could be watching rather than taking the time to make them happy.

The first step is to butter her up. As discussed in last year's article, women respond well to two types of things: the tangible and the visual. These two things are easily addressed with a card and flowers, but you can do one better if you are willing to go to that extra level of cheese.

Here's what you do. Pull out your phone and start to send her a text that says, "Where are you?" but don't send it. Then, print off multiple flyers that say, "Missing: The Most Wonderful Women In the World," with that one picture of you two together that she loves (every woman has one). When she gets home, say "Oh, my gosh. I didn't know where you were. I was going to hang this sign up everywhere." Then show her your text you didn't send and laugh about how it was your mistake. Again, it is cheesy, but this is the one day of the year when normal Man Law doesn't apply.

The next thing all women love is planned spontaneity. Is it true that "planned" and "spontaneity" don't belong in the same sentence outside of an insane asylum? Yes. But is it really crazier than the woman you are trying to make happy? I don't know the specific woman you are trying to make happy, but let's be honest.

An easy way to do this is to pull out a sheet of paper and cut it into eight-12 pieces. On each one, write a different "spontaneous" activity (e.g. go to a movie other than "Magic Mike", take a walk to get ice cream, go to a new/her favorite restaurant, etc.). You should certainly put a few in that are ... for you. With it being left to chance, she will probably let you get away with some things she normally wouldn't. When filling out these pieces of paper, you want to knock a few basic ones out together, like the ice cream and restaurant, but make sure to leave a few that are secret from the other person. She is going to put down one or two things that are for you in order to make you happy (and hope they don't get picked). Now, put the activities in a hat and draw two that you will actually do. (If she read the beginning of this article and wants to go shoe shopping, tell her that you heard reports that 12 women have been to the ER with "heel-related injuries"). Read the rest to see if there is something that you would rather do, again helping your chances of doing something you want. Because of this long charade, she feels spontaneous, even though it is all planned and she is guaranteed to stay in her comfort zone.

Of course, you won't need to check your phone for scoring updates, so it will be easy to feign interest in her the entire night. Sometime after the first activity, make sure you say, "It doesn't matter what we do. I'm just happy spending time with you."

Up to this point, you've done everything you can if you have incorporated a bottle of wine. You seem like the sweetest man alive and she still hasn't realized that you haven't sacrificed anything but more Dwight Howard updates. The only thing left to do is reap the benefits and pray that some sports organization will fill this void before it comes around next year.