Premiere anything but 'Stupid'

Figures Warners fig ures "Crazy, Stupid, Love" will make money because at Tuesday's premiere its outdoor tent was air-conditioned and "Crazy, Stupid, Love" was embroidered on its red carpet.

Stars Steve Carell brought his wife; Julianne Moore brought her son; Emma Stone brought her family; Ryan Gosling brought his mom; Marisa Tomei brought her agent.

Amid twinky reporters and p.r. types, wardrobe was tight-tight short-short low-low. Shoes were spangled beaded rhinestoned, open-toed, open-backed, open-sided. Carell's wife, Nancy, in mid-high-heel simple black patent pumps, matching black patent clutch, earrings and bracelet, perfect black and gray polka-dot sheath, was the best-dressed. We then spied Warners' exec Sue Pearl. In Dolce & Gabbana's identical black, gray polka dots, décolleté, back zipper dress. Carell earns big, but who knew Warners paid so well.

Steve, blotting forehead perspiration: "My wife's always gorgeous and elegant. Even home in sweatpants. And being it's her birthday I just bought her a gift. A camera." Camera? What happened to diamonds or, if he's chintzy, rubies? "It's what she wanted." A camera?! Lucky she didn't want a box set of his TV reruns. "I haven't kept any of those series segments. I could never watch one repeat of any of them." Said Nancy: "Steve, you're too hard on yourself." Speaking of hard on oneself, we turned around to face Sue Pearl in that same damn dress.

Julianne Moore in knockout floaty black Stella McCartney -- "It's borrowed, and who knows if I can keep it, but the gorgeous Balenciaga shoes are mine" -- introduced "Cal Freundlich, my son. He's 13. A musician." Tall, slim, light-haired, in white leggings, he said: "I play piano, drums and write music." He also help with the dishes? "Yes." Said his mom: "He helps with everything. He's loving and good, the most you can hope for in a normal teenager."

A world war fussed around newest stunner Emma Stone. Photographers, security, execs, handbag carriers. She's sweet, friendly, easy. In killer lights, not a hair, mark, zit on that face. Tom Ford's form-fitting black lace lined in thin illusion silk seemed nude from the outside. A back slit almost hit her bikini. Said Emma: "I'm really roped into this. I ate lunch, but I can hardly breathe in it. And I can't walk on these heels." Sky-high, thinner than a surgical cut they were.

"I can barely stand on them. Everything's happened to me so fast suddenly. It's thrilling and my parents, excited for me, share it. My whole family's here from Long Island, and my mom came in from Delaware."

Ryan Gosling. "In this film I play a Bugs Bunny/Donald Duck type knucklehead. I never get those handsome good-looking roles." Recalling "Lars and the Real Girl" where he romanced a doll, he grinned. "Maybe when I'm 80 I'll play a decent romantic character. Anyhow, we're from Canada, and my mom came here tonight." Nifty in a blue checked suit with tapered pants, he said: "Gucci. Made specially for me. My name's on the lining." He clawed the inside pocket to show me. His mama would be proud.

CREATIVE Coalition's Robin Bronk planning a Million Artists March on the Lincoln Memorial. Meanwhile, her "Art & Soul Brigade" hit the White House. What that exactly means, who knows. Omar Epps remembered NYC's own "Fame" school days with pal Marlon Wayans. At 9 Minnie Driver sang on TV to save her school from a highway set to demolish and run through it.

Patricia Arquette credited teachers for the acting spark. Tim Daly says the West Wing should stop relegating arts to "dessert" status and make it a school's main course. No athlete, Rachael Leigh Cook called herself an "arthlete" growing up. How all that's Art & Soul, like I say -- I don't know.

I only know if they're into scholastics they should get Jenna Elfman,who talked so much that elementary school teachers taped her mouth shut with electrical tape. And Richard Branson dropped out at 16. Also Beck never attended after ninth grade. Says Queen Latifah: "High school voted me most popular, most comical and best dancer. And it was only because I'm me."

SO, dinner with Joan Rivers. Just we two. The button of my black silk Armani pants was loose. Since an overblouse hid the fastening, I secured the waist with a diaper pin. For fun, since we were at high-class Le Cirque, I showed it to her. Joan laughed, then lifted up her Valentino jacket. Underneath, closing her own black silk pants -- a diaper pin.